The Bowling News (Feb 2019)

This was your day to honor me, the annual bowling league presidents’ recognition day. It was fun seeing all of you in a more relaxed atmosphere drinking and laughing as you toasted me. And so many “Thanks to you, Mr. President”, it was overwhelming. This isn’t a national holiday yet but it’s gaining momentum thanks to the hard work of many of you. The cake was beautiful and the festive decorations were spectacular!

I have never formally stated why I shut the league down for several weeks. I did it because I could. I knew paychecks at the bowling alley would be impacted but the lesson I wanted every one of you to learn was as President I can do pretty well whatever I want. To the whinny comment that it was all about me demanding shiny new bowling pins it was a much bigger issue. I won’t go into my many reasons for doing it but make no mistake I can do again for no reason at all and you will accept it or I will dismiss you from the league. I know this sounds high-handed but I am the president, enough said.

We had two major events once we started back up. The company that started A Place for Mom has started a new venture and the area VP came to address us. A Place for The Misses is very simply an alternative to enduring the nagging and complaining that reaches a level of intolerability. The VP said demand has been substantial and apparently the problem is far more pervasive that I would have thought though I can surely see a few candidates in the league. I am now not permitted to name names because of concern over libel lawsuits. But it is obvious who they are.

Our next speaker was talking to us about an evangelical conversion center being built here by his company, God Was Not a Limp Wrist. Embarrassingly he was not warmly received and some of our more flaming gays booed the poor guy even though he was dressed in pink in an attempt to reach across the divide. The closeted remained predictably silent. I started to think about it as he spoke. The real problem in our society is Republicans who proudly wear their Make America Grope Again (copy write protected) hats. Can they be converted to normalcy in some form of a political conversion experience? Can the civilized world except them back if they publicly disavow their Dear Liar in chief?

Yes, I collected the league election ballots (through a trans Republican operative) from our members’ homes and, yes, he counted them, but that is what leaders do. Followers wait around at the polling areas or the elections office for someone else to announce winners and losers. I owe you more than that.

Bowling Con saw another successful celebration. We brought in speakers who have had their bowling alleys close or bankrupted to help us know how we can be successful understanding the failures the speakers have experienced. Yes we paid them from your dues but this is more like a charity donation than anything else. Think about how we helped them and quit complaining about the payment we made to these bowling loser execs.

Many thanks to the transition team captains. Why would I need a transition team if I was reelected? It is because I care about what you think. I want your voices to be heard. I cherish the input. All transition committees unanimously concluded that my vision is the vision that leads you and they had no doubt we will continue to achieve greatness.

I should also say my profound gratitude for the Pace award in the category of Most Distinguished Person on the Dead End Government Street Corridor. My recognitions directly benefit the league members’ standing in the community.

We all join in mourning the passing of the Publix cat. That’s why we had a moment of silence at our last event. I don’t know where the snickering came from in the silent moment but a fair observation would be that the cat could have been effectively utilized inside Publix if you know what I mean.

Your President and CEO

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